THINGS I'D LIKE MY KIDS TO LEARN IN THREE DAYS THAT DON'T INVOLVE POTTY TRAINING

I was in a waiting room earlier this month making small talk with another person there. Which, small talk is one of my least favorite things, but whatever. We were talking about the upcoming fall break, and the woman asked if we had any plans. I told her that we were going to Vegas and then asked what she was going to do.

She stated that, with three full days of no school and no dance class for her kids, she was thinking of potty training her youngest.

When thinking of all the things that I would rather do instead of potty training, I feel it would make more sense to list the things that appeal to me less than potty training.

It's not that it's terrible, it's just that it's time consuming, and requires patience. And vinegar and paper towels, and I'm really trying to stop buying paper towels, because the environment.

But wait- time consuming? Doesn't it only take three days?

For some, I guess. And if it's your thing, I will not begrudge you. It's just not mine.

The idea of learning an important skill in a short amount of time is appealing, though. I came up with a list of things I wouldn't mind my kids learning to do that don't involve the toilet.

EAT THE FOOD I MAKE THEM

For the love, I'm not trying to punish them. I make them food I know they'll like.

EAT THE FOOD THEY ASKED FOR

This gets to me far more than them rejecting the food I prepared for them, because, well, they asked for it not five minutes earlier.

NAP

No thank you, sleep training. I just want them to learn to appreciate a solid thirty minute nap. Or two hours.

PICK UP ON THE CUE THAT IS ME MAKING A PHONE CALL

And that would be a cue to play quietly, not yell at me. Or choose that moment to demand food they know they won't eat.

SLEEP UNTIL THE SUN IS UP

At least stay in bed. And if you suggest one of those clocks that light up green when it's okay to come out of their room, I will suggest you meet my children. Logic need not apply.


PUT TOYS ASIDE

I don't even need them to learn to put them away completely. If we could just keep them out of walkways, I'm good. 


APPRECIATE SHOWS THAT ARE NOT YOUTUBE TOY REVIEWS

I can handle Peppa Pig. I can handle a few tutorials here and there. I can even handle the family finger song. But please, can we stop watching kids and their obnoxious parents review toys?

UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF QUIET TIME

Key word: quiet. That is all.

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